At the beginning of the year, I wanted 2014 to be the year of Figuring My Life Out. I wanted it to be the year where I found my dream job, became a mom, and worked on growing closer to becoming the perfect wife. Kinda lofty goals...
Fast forward to September and I'm finally, finally starting to feel like I'm making progress. 9 months in. The first 9 months of this year were frustrating beyond belief. I thought I'd find ways to achieve these goals in self help books, in 5 minutes of prayer here and there, or by someone just telling me what to do already. I like things to happen when I want them to happen, and I want them to happen fast. That didn't happen.
I think God has been teaching me patience throughout the year. Goodness knows I've prayed for it in the past...but I never really meant it. Because you know God gives you exactly what you pray for and that can be a tough pill to swallow! But no, he's been walking with me as I've been fumbling down this frustrating path all year long. It's pretty incredible to know that he's not the slightest bit frustrated with my slow progress; I, on the other hand, have beat myself up left and right for not getting my act together sooner.
And now, my head is spinning with the answer that was there all along. I'm starting to see the light. Blessed Is She's devotion yesterday reminded me that it's okay to admit that it's hard. I thought I had done that already but nooo. I just admitted it was hard and tried to figure it out how to make it less hard on my own. I put my relationship with God in a box, and have only been seeking his help when I want to hear what he has to say or when I'm desperate.
It's hard, and I can't do it alone.
I've felt this way before, but I've always figured it out "on my own". I don't think he's going to let that happen this time, though--not without his guidance. I feel God gently steering me in the right direction in my thoughts and actions and this time I want to do his will. I don't want to figure it out on my own anymore because quite frankly, I don't know if I can.
And when I finally admitted all that to myself last night in bed writing in my journal, I felt his huge weight begin to lift off of my chest.
This is hard. I can't do this alone. I don't want to do this alone. I trust you and I want what you want for me.
People always say there's power in letting go and "letting God". I always thought that was a load of crap. I never considered myself to be one to hold onto lots of negativity; I always thought those negative thoughts (you can always try harder! why can't you be more like this person? what do you have to show for yourself anyways?) were little pep talks that would help me grow. Hah! Yeah right. Those thoughts will help me grow as much as a bottle of whiskey will turn someone into a better alcoholic. I needed to let it all go, all that I thought was best for me because it's not. I don't know best.
I thought I could do it alone. I didn't think God had the time for my seemingly small problems, not with the way the world is today and with much bigger problems others are facing. I'm here now to tell you that no matter how proud and stubborn you might be (hello! I already won that award), you can't do it alone. Admitting that, and letting go...really letting go, 110%....is the first step toward the life you were created to lead. It probably won't be the life you thought you'd be leading but I'm starting to realize that's a good thing. I may not be far down this path yet, but I believe this now more than ever and I'm confident in that statement's truth.
No matter what you believe, life will never turn out the way you plan it. When it starts to go off plan, you can either do everything in your power to get it back the way you want it, or you can ride the wave and let it all go, and give it all up to God.
I'm choosing the latter. And I'm starting to feel like a shiny new version of myself because of that--because I'm starting to see myself the way my Creator created me.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my savior.