30 Weeks, Round Two

Alternate title: Hello heartburn, my old friend.

I think I hit the point this week where a lot is setting in. One might say I'm thinking way too much about everything. Common thoughts include:

-This could be my last pregnancy...I should be enjoying and embracing this last trimester as a gift, not complaining about it all!

-I am terrified to give birth again. Well, not so much the delivery process so long as the epidural goes as smoothly as last time, but I am terrified for the recovery process. Thinking about all the gross (natural! but gross) stuff now that you go through after child birth makes my skin crawl even though at the time it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.

-There is no way we're going to be prepared when she comes. We still need to deep clean the house and make freezer meals and install the car seat bases and clean the infant car seat and clean the used double stroller........ Yes, I realize there are literal months until my due date.

-What if she comes early??? I didn't mentally prepare for that with Zoe because it was my first child and I knew it was unlikely...but what about this time? When do I need to have my hospital bag packed?

{Feet! You there?}

But the biggest struggle I'm facing is this: letting go of control.

I don't know if this is a new development or I'm just now receiving the personal enlightenment but I need to be in control of how things go or will be going. I need to decide what Zoe eats and exactly what I do each day and making sure the kitchen is cleaned just the way I think it needs to be cleaned before I go to bed. I latch onto that need to be in charge of whatever I think I can possibly be in charge of and just cannot let go.

You can see how this is going to be fun in the throes of newborn life, right?

We have been blessed with so many factors that should make postpartum as easy as I'll let it be: paternity leave for Landon & a flexible schedule beyond that, 2 sets of grandparents who are more than willing to help in any and all ways, various great support systems of friends and family. But even knowing all of that and being thankful for all of that, my mind is still going to "okay but what if my mom doesn't do the dishes right? What if Zoe isn't in bed by 7:30 every night? What if we eat out for weeks in a row and totally demolish our budget?"

I wish I could say I was being dramatic (I'm usually pretty good at owning up to that) but these have become real, legitimate concerns of mine that I know are ridiculous but I just can't seem to let go.

Other unfun things include not being able to fit into many of my maternity clothes and experiencing lots of fun Braxton Hicks when I try to do too much. I don't remember having so many contractions with Zoe but they're there and I'm becoming that person who has to stop while I'm in stores and take some deep breaths before moving on. And the clothing thing stinks because once again I'm reminded that there is a serious lack of cute maternity clothes on the market and forget about buying them secondhand most of the time because they get worn down so fast since that's all you can wear!

End rant, let's move onto greener pasture.

This past weekend, we got the nursery to a point where I'd be happy with it if Lily were to come early. Closet doors are off and curtains are hung (Landon proclaimed in Target the other day 'ah yes, of course, black curtains for a nursery...' but I'm really going for more of a black + white + lavender graphic theme this time so it makes sense to me!), furniture has been moved around or out of the room, and the closet is pretty much organized. Future additions I'd *like* to accomplish include buying or sewing a changing pad cover (something we completely bypassed with Zoe but seem like a nice addition if possible!), buying or sewing a crib skirt (again, was it really necessary?), organizing the changing station a little better, creating some new art for the walls, and of course buying a toddler bed for Zoe. But! I've unpacked the newborn and 3 month onesies and we have a pack of newborn diapers so really I'd say we're all ready to go.

 {You probably won't believe me, but if we move the crib to the right a few inches, I *think* a toddler bed will fit to the left (the setup will be an "L" shape)}

{Book storage solutions are hard when you have a bookworm. Needing a few more baskets or something, too!}

Zoe has just become obsessed with babies within the past few weeks and I'm praying this phase lasts through July. She loves looking at pictures of them...well, admittedly, herself mostly...and is always distraught when we don't show her "more baby! more baby!". She has also taken to carrying around a baby doll she got for Christmas on occasion, rocking her in the rocking chair and putting her in her booster seat to feed her. She either learned that from watching Daniel Tiger or it's her feminine qualities coming out because we definitely had not even shown her how to do those things. It's precious though and while I'm sure there will be some struggles, we know she's going to love her baby sister and be a great big sister.

Baby g's the size of a platypus according to my app and I've still got 10 more weeks? Let's do this.